Concern Over Lack Of Christmas Cheer

Michael Gove – Advisor to the Simple

Dear Michael Gove,

I’ve been a teacher for six years now but seem to be getting less Christmas presents from children than I used to.  There are some teachers who seem to get loads of gifts at Christmas even though they are less experienced and less popular than me.  I hope I don’t sound bitter; it’s just that this is really knocking my confidence.

Chris Sutton, Colchester

Dear Chris,

Why shouldn’t you be bitter?  If I thought that Michael Portillo was going to get a bigger Parliament Ham than me this Christmas I’d be bitter, too.  However, these so-called ‘popular’ teachers probably aren’t that popular at all.  What’s more likely is that they just know a thing or two about cashing in on some good, old fashioned Christmas cheer.

In the first week in December buy yourself a few bottles of wine and some expensive looking chocolates and leave them on your desk at school.  Write the tags from naughty children and that should have you well on your way.

Also, have you thought about developing a present-buying marking scheme?  Take in all the exercise books at the end of November and set targets that will help children to achieve a Christmas gift by the end of term.  Here’s a few to get you started:

‘A really good piece of work, Susan, it might have been excellent if I’d had a glass of red wine in my hand.’

‘Try to improve your use of confectionary connectives, Jodie.’

‘End of Key Stage 3 Target: a basket of soap, two boxes of Brazil Nuts and a gaudy ornament that I’ll flog at a car boot sale.’

One of my Surrey Heath constituents even made a few changes to her school nativity play in order to make biblically endorsed present buying a little more accessible for her under-fives.   Gold, frankincense and myrrh became Terry’s All Gold, Quality Street and Matchsticks.

I hope this helps, Ducky, go and bag a pile.

Michael Gove