Humpty Worry

Michael Gove – Advisor to the Simple

Dear Michael,

I've been selected for an interview for a Maths post next week and as part of the process I will be interviewed by some pupils. Is there anything I can do to give the right impression and get them to give me the job?

Nigel Bird, Yorkshire


Dear Nigel,

You're right to be concerned, Nigel, it's children that do the hiring and firing in schools these days so you'd better follow my Top Twelve Tips on how to impress that all-important school council:

1. Include a few spelling mistakes in your application letter. The panel are unlikely to want a teacher that thinks he or she is cleverer than them.
2. Have some chews, lollies or prizes to hand out. Don't give them out straight away as that could seem a bit obvious – best to wait at least three minutes.
3. If your mobile phone isn't an expensive and up-to-date model, borrow a friend's. Download a cool ring tone, arrange for it to go off and say: 'I never turn mine off.'
4. Wear a cartoon tie.
5. Show them that you're on their level by addressing them as 'guys.' It may help if you imagine yourself as Tony Blair.
6. Ask them, casually, if an ice-cream van visits the school in the summer term. Express surprise when they say 'No.'
7. Show that you know the difference between children and young adults. Assure them that they're young adults and that all those younger than the youngest young adult on the panel are still children.'
8. Grin fanatically. Young adults want to have fun and excitement at school and are unlikely to appoint anyone that comes across as 'a bit serious.'
9. Don't be afraid to lol!!!
10. Impress them with the story about your mate who goes with someone who nearly got on The X Factor.
11. When the IT question comes up, say you believe young adults should be on computers as much as possible, ideally unsupervised.
12. At the end of an interview you'll usually be asked if there is anything you'd like to add. Show them how you would dance at a Year 9 school disco. Only do this if you've prepared something good.

         Good luck lover,

   Michael Gove