Schools Minister Called to Resign Over Thick Kids Claim

Schools minister Ian Mortimer in hot water after saying thick children are to blame for unmanageable teacher workloads

Ian Mortimer, the politician charged with overseeing the government’s much heralded teacher workload review, is facing calls to resign over comments he made while addressing a conference of teaching union representatives yesterday.  

Mr Mortimer, speaking at the conference to outline the government’s plans for tackling teachers’ workloads, stunned delegates by saying: “the greatest contributing factor to unmanageable teacher workloads is the dimness of children,” adding, “a persistent minority of children are regularly handing in error strewn and illegible work causing extra and unnecessary work for teachers.” 

He went on to praise the correct answers and neat handwriting of bright children and promised measures within the next 6 months to tackle what he called “the spiralling and unacceptable number of thick children in this country.”

Furious delegates at the multi-union conference threw complimentary highlighter pens and sticky post-it notes at the minister.  SNATWU executive member, Helen Burnard, said: “I’m absolutely astonished by Mr Mortimer’s comments.  The feedback I get from our membership is that thick children actually do very little writing and seldom hand their books in anyway.  It’s not fair to blame them for what they, quite literally, haven’t done.”

But not everyone at the 300 delegate conference threw stationery at the minister.  Kate Huskins, divisional secretary for NUHT, said:  “Some of the highlighters were hard to come by colours and came in a neat presentation pack, I kept mine.”



Unusual Tints proved to be a conference highlight

Eton educated Mortimer narrowly avoided losing his job last year after calling for the term ‘village idiot’ to be included on the Special Educational Needs register. On another occasion he was forced to apologise after insisting that a junior minister must be a dunce because he had not been to private school.

A statement released by his office said: “Mr Mortimer goes to great lengths to keep in touch with simple folk and had not intended to offend half-witted people of any age.”

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Five Computers To Every Child

Five Computers to Every Child Says Gove

Government unveils plan to guarantee five computers to every school pupil in England and Wales by 2014.

Computer provision for school children is set to improve dramatically under proposals announced by the government yesterday. The initiative, designed to address widespread concerns that UK school leavers are falling down world I.T. league tables, will see every school child in England and Wales provided with five computers each before 2014. 

Whilst details of the measures are still to be finalised, sources close to Whitehall hinted that the provision is likely to include one computer with rearranged or missing keyboard letters, another that takes a whole lesson to boot-up, a laptop that won’t charge, a second laptop which isn’t configured to the school network and from which children will not be able to access the work they did last lesson, and a back-up computer without a plug in case any of the other four should become faulty and start working properly. 

Secretary for Education, Michael Gove, said while speaking yesterday at a school leadership conference in Bournemouth:  “Under the last government’s programme many children had to share a computer while it was taking a whole lesson to boot-up; this is clearly unacceptable.  Our new proposals will put an end to computer sharing – from now on every child will have their own broken computer.”

Michael Gove, who addressed the conference delegates for twenty minutes, went on to say that he also expected to see significant improvements in access to jammed printers and a higher level of complexity in reporting I.T. problems promising that “the days when you told someone what was wrong and they fixed it are over.”  He also announced that supplies of I.T. repair tape would be delivered to every school in the country to help improve provision.

But leader of the Labour Party, Ed Militaryband, said the proposals were not affordable and accused the government of not doing its sums properly:  “This just hasn’t been costed properly.  How can the government make massive cuts to public sector budgets on the one hand, while on the other promise to improve the provision of computers that don’t work?  It just doesn’t add up.”

I.T. Repair Tape promised for every school

But Martin Holmes of The Institute for Fiscal Studies suggested that the proposed increase in the provision of computers that don’t work properly is affordable:  “At this early stage we are finding that the numbers do seem to add up.  The assertion that an increase in the provision of computers that don’t work is incompatible with swingeing cuts to the education budget appears to carry little weight.”

Teaching unions have broadly welcomed the proposals with NUT Secretary Christine Blower calling the measures ‘good news for pupils.’  But she did register concerns that some teachers were still unable to block-book a computer room for a whole term saying that “Indiscriminate computer room block-booking remains the privilege of a select few.”  She went on to call for provisions that would allow every teacher in England and Wales to block-book a computer room for up to three years into the future adding: “Some teachers are still having to teach, even when they don’t feel like it.”

This latest initiative, designed to ensure that no child leaves school without an authentic computing experience, comes just weeks after the government revealed plans to punish schools found putting too much paper into photocopier trays.

All Purpose Lesson Filler

Instant Kid

The Peril of Grey Laces: The Bitter Root

Recently, Mr Johnston remembered to me, from the wrong side of a fish-and-chip counter, that when he was a scholar under me, I had informed him that if he continued to wear grey laces in his shoes, he would probably end up in prison. The teacher knows his influence when his doctrines are remembered above his lessons, and, no doubt, Mr Johnston was, with tremendous love and tact, hinting at the fallibility of my predictions. But I, reaching for the late-night saltand vinegar, was already congratulating myself on my propheticism.

My Dear Jerusalem,

   I have completed The Bitter Root and now feel sufficiently equipped to deal with my charges (wayward, or otherwise) for the remainder of my dwindling career. I have today purchased a new Toilet Book and a goodly vessel in which to catch the many children's tears I hope to engender over the coming weeks and months. If I ever again refer to a group of children as "guys" then I shall spend a period of time in The Pennance Room (my stock cupboard) until I feel that I have purged myself of this appalling Americanism; for – as you correctly point out - it is only in a vain effort to impress the mobile majority that I perpetuate such a crass and shallow piece of nomenclature in the first place.

   Your humble servant,

   Henwick

Post-script: Do I know the Mistress of Divinity to whom you refer in the book?


Dear Mr Henwick,

   God bless you, Sir, for your frank admission, though I am sure I have never heard you call the young scholars 'guys'. 

   I find that, once empty, the tiny bottles of soy sauce found in portions of supermarket sushi make excellent starter kits for those wishing to avail themselves of all the benefits visited upon that number who make it their business to collect children's tears in a bottle.  I have always suggested the aforementioned receptacle to student teachers operating under my guidance and I have never observed them to have been ill served by my so doing.

   With regards to the Mistress of Divinity; she was, and, I believe, still is, one Miss A_____ P_____, formerly of N_____ T_____ School and now of London town.  I can only hope that you have been blessed with the good fortune to know her, for I am, Sir,

   Your most humble and obedient servant,

   Jerusalem Andrews

Arson Marker

Teacher charged with ‘constructive arson with intent to destroy marking’ can return to work says GTC

A teacher from Leeds who continued to park his cars on a notorious housing estate despite them being repeatedly set on fire has been told he can return to work.  Mark Butts, a geography teacher at Mappleton School, was suspended last May after being accused by his headteacher of “going out of his way to get his students’ work set on fire.”

A General Teaching Council disciplinary panel heard that Mr Butts, who has lost seven cars to arson on the Bridgeham Estate over an eighteen month period, continued to regularly park his car on the estate despite facing a five mile walk home and an annual insurance premium of £4567. 

But the GTC panel concluded that Mr Butts had done nothing wrong:

 “Mr Butt’s habit of packing his car with boxes of firelighters, sticks, sacks of coal, exercise books and GCSE coursework before parking it on a notorious housing estate five miles from his home is unusual,” said GCT panel chair Esther Richards, “but not unprofessional.  We mustn’t jump to conclusions.”

A fire crew struggles valiently to prevent work from being arson marked

Teaching union SNATWU have welcomed the decision to allow Mr Butts to return to work claiming that Mr Butt’s was a victim of his own diligence: “By taking work home Mr Butts has naively left himself wide open to completely unjustified accusations that he might be trying to get his marking destroyed in a fire.   We are strongly urging our members to safeguard their careers by never taking children’s work home.”

But the decision not to discipline Mr Butts has left at least one parent furious:

“Last Friday night my eldest set fire to his brother’s GCSE coursework and his sister’s Yr 8 Rainforest project without knowing.  It’s outrageous that this teacher is not going to be blamed in some way,” said one mother of three.

Mr Butts, who has always refused to say why he kept a cigarette lighter selloptaped to the petrol cap of his car, claimed the ruling was “a victory for common sense”, adding, “some of the work was of very poor quality anyway, and needed a lot of kindling to get going.”