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Instant Kid

The Peril of Grey Laces: The Bitter Root

Recently, Mr Johnston remembered to me, from the wrong side of a fish-and-chip counter, that when he was a scholar under me, I had informed him that if he continued to wear grey laces in his shoes, he would probably end up in prison. The teacher knows his influence when his doctrines are remembered above his lessons, and, no doubt, Mr Johnston was, with tremendous love and tact, hinting at the fallibility of my predictions. But I, reaching for the late-night saltand vinegar, was already congratulating myself on my propheticism.

My Dear Jerusalem,

   I have completed The Bitter Root and now feel sufficiently equipped to deal with my charges (wayward, or otherwise) for the remainder of my dwindling career. I have today purchased a new Toilet Book and a goodly vessel in which to catch the many children's tears I hope to engender over the coming weeks and months. If I ever again refer to a group of children as "guys" then I shall spend a period of time in The Pennance Room (my stock cupboard) until I feel that I have purged myself of this appalling Americanism; for – as you correctly point out - it is only in a vain effort to impress the mobile majority that I perpetuate such a crass and shallow piece of nomenclature in the first place.

   Your humble servant,

   Henwick

Post-script: Do I know the Mistress of Divinity to whom you refer in the book?


Dear Mr Henwick,

   God bless you, Sir, for your frank admission, though I am sure I have never heard you call the young scholars 'guys'. 

   I find that, once empty, the tiny bottles of soy sauce found in portions of supermarket sushi make excellent starter kits for those wishing to avail themselves of all the benefits visited upon that number who make it their business to collect children's tears in a bottle.  I have always suggested the aforementioned receptacle to student teachers operating under my guidance and I have never observed them to have been ill served by my so doing.

   With regards to the Mistress of Divinity; she was, and, I believe, still is, one Miss A_____ P_____, formerly of N_____ T_____ School and now of London town.  I can only hope that you have been blessed with the good fortune to know her, for I am, Sir,

   Your most humble and obedient servant,

   Jerusalem Andrews

Arson Marker

Teacher charged with ‘constructive arson with intent to destroy marking’ can return to work says GTC

A teacher from Leeds who continued to park his cars on a notorious housing estate despite them being repeatedly set on fire has been told he can return to work.  Mark Butts, a geography teacher at Mappleton School, was suspended last May after being accused by his headteacher of “going out of his way to get his students’ work set on fire.”

A General Teaching Council disciplinary panel heard that Mr Butts, who has lost seven cars to arson on the Bridgeham Estate over an eighteen month period, continued to regularly park his car on the estate despite facing a five mile walk home and an annual insurance premium of £4567. 

But the GTC panel concluded that Mr Butts had done nothing wrong:

 “Mr Butt’s habit of packing his car with boxes of firelighters, sticks, sacks of coal, exercise books and GCSE coursework before parking it on a notorious housing estate five miles from his home is unusual,” said GCT panel chair Esther Richards, “but not unprofessional.  We mustn’t jump to conclusions.”

A fire crew struggles valiently to prevent work from being arson marked

Teaching union SNATWU have welcomed the decision to allow Mr Butts to return to work claiming that Mr Butt’s was a victim of his own diligence: “By taking work home Mr Butts has naively left himself wide open to completely unjustified accusations that he might be trying to get his marking destroyed in a fire.   We are strongly urging our members to safeguard their careers by never taking children’s work home.”

But the decision not to discipline Mr Butts has left at least one parent furious:

“Last Friday night my eldest set fire to his brother’s GCSE coursework and his sister’s Yr 8 Rainforest project without knowing.  It’s outrageous that this teacher is not going to be blamed in some way,” said one mother of three.

Mr Butts, who has always refused to say why he kept a cigarette lighter selloptaped to the petrol cap of his car, claimed the ruling was “a victory for common sense”, adding, “some of the work was of very poor quality anyway, and needed a lot of kindling to get going.”

Humpty Worry

Michael Gove – Advisor to the Simple

Dear Michael,

I've been selected for an interview for a Maths post next week and as part of the process I will be interviewed by some pupils. Is there anything I can do to give the right impression and get them to give me the job?

Nigel Bird, Yorkshire


Dear Nigel,

You're right to be concerned, Nigel, it's children that do the hiring and firing in schools these days so you'd better follow my Top Twelve Tips on how to impress that all-important school council:

1. Include a few spelling mistakes in your application letter. The panel are unlikely to want a teacher that thinks he or she is cleverer than them.
2. Have some chews, lollies or prizes to hand out. Don't give them out straight away as that could seem a bit obvious – best to wait at least three minutes.
3. If your mobile phone isn't an expensive and up-to-date model, borrow a friend's. Download a cool ring tone, arrange for it to go off and say: 'I never turn mine off.'
4. Wear a cartoon tie.
5. Show them that you're on their level by addressing them as 'guys.' It may help if you imagine yourself as Tony Blair.
6. Ask them, casually, if an ice-cream van visits the school in the summer term. Express surprise when they say 'No.'
7. Show that you know the difference between children and young adults. Assure them that they're young adults and that all those younger than the youngest young adult on the panel are still children.'
8. Grin fanatically. Young adults want to have fun and excitement at school and are unlikely to appoint anyone that comes across as 'a bit serious.'
9. Don't be afraid to lol!!!
10. Impress them with the story about your mate who goes with someone who nearly got on The X Factor.
11. When the IT question comes up, say you believe young adults should be on computers as much as possible, ideally unsupervised.
12. At the end of an interview you'll usually be asked if there is anything you'd like to add. Show them how you would dance at a Year 9 school disco. Only do this if you've prepared something good.

         Good luck lover,

   Michael Gove

New Acronyms Soon

Unexpected acronym haul set to end months of speculation and uncertainty say Whitehall chiefs

The coalition government is planning to release dozens of previously ‘forgotten’ acronyms after discovering them in a Whitehall drawer, it was revealed yesterday.  The move ends almost six months of speculation over when and where the next educational acronym was coming from and has been warmly welcomed by all three of the leading teaching unions:

“At a time when teachers are worried about losing their jobs, and change seems to be relentless and without thought or reason, news of the extra acronyms is a welcome boost to the profession,” said Vanessa Jones, General Secretary of SNATWU.

A spokesperson for the Department of Education, which inherited the bottom drawer from a cleaning contractor employed under the previous administration, described the acronyms as ‘surprisingly good’ adding that government think tanks were ‘working round the clock’ to come up with policies to fit them:

 “Technically some of the acronyms are better suited to abbreviation but we hope that won’t stop some middle leaders and education chiefs from trying to turn them into words anyway,” he said. 

No details are yet available regarding the exact composition of the acronyms but many school leaders are hoping for a whole new raft of the slightly moronic sounding mono-syllabic type:

“CAT, SAT, MATT, we really like ones like that,” said Roger Gibbons, Headteacher of Barnwell Academy, Manchester, adding, “I hope they come on a raft.”

But Professor Christine Howell of The Educational Acronym Trust (TEAT) does not agree: 

“If the teaching profession is going to gain credibility in the public’s eyes then we are going to need impressive sounding acronyms to demonstrate our mastery of complicated and important sounding things: we need to show simple-minded people that we are the gate keepers.   CAT, SAT, MATT is all very well for staff meetings and training days but we’ve got to think more holistically than this.  Personally I would like to see a much wider use of silent letters, particularly the ‘N’ used after a ‘G’.  Finland has had GNAfFAWL for over a decade and it’s just another case of the UK lagging behind.”

The discovery of the acronyms, thought to be worth millions of pounds, could hardly come at a better time for the government which only last week announced plans to build all new academies entirely out of acronyms.  The General Teaching Council has announced it plans to bring out a special limited edition tie and brooch to celebrate the new acronyms and to give itself “something to do.”